Thanks

  In light of the Thanksgiving Holiday I thought it appropriate to take on thanks-giving (or more to the point gratitude); and for purposes of illuminating through contrast, entitlement. We no doubt live in an immensely egocentric society. People feel entitled to nearly everything; a job, money, food,  happiness, health. But what do we truly deserve? What’s that you say? Nothing? Nothing, that’s right nothing. You are entitled to nothing. You may or may not have rights granted to you from the collective, but the world itself owes you...you guessed it, nothing. There are no guarantees in life; happiness, work, money, success, love, tomorrow, anything;  you name it we think we deserve it (so long as it’s good). There is only one thing we can be sure of, we are mortal. Everything else is a gift. And as such, deserving of our thanks. Sadly, our ego centrism (and plenty of successful marketing) makes us feel entitled to both our needs and wants.  Our ego, and behavioral patterns are formed an early age. A healthy behavior pattern of growth in understanding our needs in relationship to and with others is the desired outcome. But, selfish or egocentric patterns also emerge, which is considered unhealthy in mature adults. As one might imagine, ego centrism and entitlement are more prevalent in higher social classes, and lead to narcissistic personality traits. These immature or childlike traits signify the early stages of psychological and emotional development, yet persist into some adults. When confronted with physically mature, cognitive narcissistic people, most normal people feel obligated to NOT give in to them. Studies have gone on to show that ungrateful, narcissistic people tend towards states of anxiety, anger and depression, and experience a higher percentage of poor relationships than grateful people. This can be due in part to a failure to meet the unrealistic expectations that egocentrism demands, as well as and society's refusal of entitled demands. On the other side of the coin, grateful people experience improved health and better, more open relationships, better recovery after adversity and more stable emotional conditions. Studies also show these changes can take place simply by our attitude; thinking we are grateful (as opposed to focusing on what we didn’t get) can actually improve emotional and physical health.  Additionally, people just enjoy being around you more. Grateful people are statistically happier, go figure.

    Probably the most difficult of situations to be thankful for is that of facing failure. People will fight tooth and nail not to fail, even after it’s already occurred. We argue the call in hopes of changing an outcome long-since determined. We fail to realize that failure is an essential part of learning, and when taken in stride can be a powerful learning tool associated with more synaptic formation than success. So when people have the opportunity to hear that they have failed and, consequently, receive another chance, I am often puzzled by the level of anger expressed. It is a rarity when we hear those amazing words, “Thank you” when someone fails. But if you take a moment and stop and think about it, it is probably the best thing you can say in such a situation.

    There was an occasion when I was administering a cook’s test, a benchmark experience that allows a Chef to know if a cook is ready for the next step in their career by cooking a simple meal (first course and entree), in a given amount of time. The cook is judged not only on the quality of the food, but additionally their preparedness, cleanliness, timing and demeanor. It’s always an eye opening experience when you evaluate in such an environment. I was anticipating that this particular day was going to be a good one, as on my roster of candidates was a cook who I knew to be strong. I was expecting great food from her; she was a rock star, always prepared, always executed well. The day, however, did not proceed as either of us had imagined. For some reason or another she had a bad day…. Really bad. A meticulous cook with a great palate and more than adequate command of the competencies, I expected to be enjoying myself as she presented her plates. Needless to say I was disappointed. The dish itself spoke volumes to the disheveled condition that her station was in as the components fell lackluster onto the plate. I didn’t even need to say anything, she was well aware of the food's condition and the subsequent position that put her in. At the end of it she wound up not passing this particular test, even though we both knew what she was capable not only passing, but knocking it outta the park. It was tough though, a matter of a point or two; at her worst she was better than others' best. And at that moment proximity of passing the test warranted arguing the point, or in this case points needed to secure passage from the kitchen.

“Is that what you really want?” I asked, “To pass? You never struck me as a just pass type of person.”

She sat quietly for a moment, thinking.

“Or do you want to take advantage of the opportunity before you to come back and crush it?”

There was a slow melting of her stern demeanor into a softness of realization.

“If you convince me to pass you, that low score sticks! But… If you take it again, you have an opportunity for perfection.”

She nodded, realizing I was not out to stop her, but rather to position her to recognize her full potential. Potential we both knew she had.

“I want to do it again Chef.”

    Well, she came back and by as many points as she missed passing the first time she missed the perfect score the second time around. Now, that's what I expected in the first place, near perfection.
When it was all said and done she was much happier with the outcome. We passed each other some years later and she pulled me aside.
"Chef, I'm not sure if you remember me..." She began.
"I sure do." I quickly added.
"Well, I didn't understand it at first, but 'Thank you', I learned a lot from you. I'm glad you didn't let me squeak by that first time. After that, I've always approached everything more prepared. It was a great lesson. Thank you."

   Attitude is truly everything. It could be possible to walk away from the same situation with two different outcomes; one where you felt entitled to succeed and upset that you didn’t, or one where you were grateful for the opportunity to have another chance. Everyday you wake up with breath in you you should be thankful you have another chance. You are not entitled to money, nor happiness, a job, success, nor rewards. Certainly these are the natural outcome of good behavior and good choices, but not a must or given. The sooner you realize it, and are grateful for all you have, the happier you will be in life. Everyday you are given another opportunity to move your life in the right direction, or the direction of your choosing. You should be thankful for all the wonderful things in your life, as well as the not so wonderful things, because after all you’re still alive to experience them. So know that when I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving it is truly heartfelt....true thanks from a sincere heart for all the blessings and challenges in my life. You should be thankful too, just look at the data. Because statistically speaking, if you’re not thankful, you are probably moments away from being miserable.